Monday, February 20, 2012

ASMR: Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response

Wow. Last night during my usual internet trollings I came across the answer I have searched years for. It's like the stars aligned for me and one of my biggest personal mysteries was revealed. I don't really know where to start...but I feel like I have to tell my story and if someone comes across this who can relate; maybe they will get the same excitement I did. So I guess I will start from the beginning....

I'm sure it happened several times before, but the earliest most vivid memory was 5th grade. Mrs. Kelly was probably the most precious teacher I've ever had. She was soft spoken and sweet and she she always took an interest and encouraged me. Anytime she would come over to my desk and explain something to me I would get these tingles in the back of my neck, especially if she was writing something. It felt really good. It wasn't just her though, all through school various classmates and teachers would trigger it.

When I was younger I didn't pay much attention to it. I just associated the feeling with getting help. When I got older; especially when I started working and different things would trigger it...then I started getting really interested and curious and hoping it would happen. A few years ago I wore Google out trying to find something in all of the internet world to explain it...but nothing. I came across this random 1996 lookin sketchy website of this "doctor" you could email with a question and maybe/probs not he would answer it. I tried my best to describe it and sent him an email. Of course there was no response....but it was the very first time I made an attempt to explain this to anyone. Thanks to the magics of gmail I was able to dig that sucker up:

Subject: Random strangers make me feel good.
My name is Heather- I am 22 years old and I am from Tennessee. I have a pretty weird question.
I am not certain you will know what I am talking about as it will be hard to explain so this may get pretty long winded. 

For as long as I can remember various people would give me this good "feeling". Like a faint physical tickly feeling mostly in in back of my neck and shoulders. I first noticed it in elementary school, like if a teacher came over to my desk and maybe helped me with a math problem or something. Now I rely on strangers for it…and it could be anyone; old/young, male/female, pretty/ugly, it doesn't matter and its nothing sexual. 
I worked in retail for 3 years and each day I would briefly hope for at least one customer who gave me the sensation. There is no logical reason as to why certain people cause me to have this feeling and others don't. I used to think maybe the ones who caused it had a goodness about them because it would usually happen if someone was helping me …and most intellectually disabled people would cause it when they spoke, and I feel like the are for the most part innocent and good. But now I realize that it could be anyone and I wasn't "sensing" goodness haha. Out of a 9 hour shift of endless customers maybe 4 would make me feel this way and it could be anything they did …..just hearing them speak. Chew their gum(which would normally be annoying) …the noises they made when they moved hangers searching the racks of clothes. If I am watching someone fill their check out, I can feel it with each letter they write and I don't want them to stop. When I wasn't confined to the register then I would nonchalantly follow that one person around the store straightening close enough to hear them rattle the hangers or the paper in-between the folded shirts because those noises from those certain people made me feel it. 
Its just a nice pleasant feeling and I don't understand what it is, if there is a actually scientific name for it…if it happens to everyone or if I am just a weirdo. I currently work as a call center rep. and those people are usually angry when they call in haha so their voices don't give me my happy feeling. I miss it! I would appreciate your opinion on the whole thing and thank you for reading my carrying-ons. Please overlook my run on sentences, Have a great day!

Geez anytime I read back on something a wrote a fews ago I cringe and I successfully made myself sound like a stalker but whatevs, I'm sure that polecat didn't read it anyway.

Sometime later I came across this documentary The Real Superhumans and the Quest for the Future Fantastic Wim Hof can regulate his body temperature to withstand frigid temperatures. Elizabeth Salser can see music in color. Esref Armagan, the blind artist. RĂ¼diger Gamm can calculate large numbers and calendar dates in his head. 

The girl who could see music in color really interested me. She has what is called Synesthesia which is really hard for me to pronounce. The more it was explained the more excited I got! If any of the 5 senses could get crisscrossed or whatever maybe some certain tone or noise in my "triggers" causes my good feelings. I don't know.... but I decided I had some mild form of synesthesia although I looked all over those internets for a similar situation but I couldn't find anything AT ALL.

I have rolled with that explanation the past few years, it was a good enough. I started opening up about it to my boyfriend and friends.... none of them have it but at last I had something legitimate to fall back on and I didn't sound like a total creeper.

But then last night...I came across this!!! ASMR I just couldn't even believe it, this thing I could hardly put into words and no one has understood was just there laid out on front of me in perfect detail. I sat and stared at the list of those triggers and got all emotional and almost had tears in my eyes. IS THIS REAL LIFE!?!?

I don't know what made me so emotional,  that I finally had my answer, or maybe that I haven't been able to experience this to it's full potential in a looong time because I actually work from home and don't get out often. I also read that it might dwindle as you get older. PLEASE NO!!!

How come tumbleweeds were blowing around this subject for years but now there are are several Youtube videos that have been made to produce it!!?? I haven't had much luck with those yet. Also, I don't want to become addicted to youtbes of people writing or rifling through papers. I am afraid I will desensitize any good feelins I could get in real life...but maybe that will change once I find a good neckgasm video.

As I said and will continue to reiterate, it is nothing sexual! But my cousin told me it sounded like a neck orgasm and I said alla this to her which I think is pretty funny....
"BOB ROSS! Oh yes honey Bob Ross and his soft spokenness and brush strokes. I sound like a total freak! I would never admit any of this under normal circumstances haha...Bob Ross giving me non sexual neckgasms"

I love when my boyfriend whistles, OMG HE JUST WHISTED, can he like see this or something?? Anyway when he whistles it isn't full on but it comes close, or when he plays his acoustic guitar which is rarely, when the cats scratch their ears and make little grunty noises and somtimes music. OMG Miss Kitty just for real scratched here ear!  Hahhahha....but none of these things produce a very strong good feeling. I miss it. That's it, I gotta quit my job and go work at JcPenny's 

This is so crazy and rambly and I am so sleepy, I have only slept 3 hours in the last 36 hours...but I had to get this out there.

If anyone does happen upon this, I tried my best to separate it so it isn't one giant block of run on text, but please forgive me, the older I get the harder time I have forming actual sentences. I am a hot mess.

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